Saturday, 13 August 2011


Worried about the future? Looking to be led to the promised land? Come, join hands with the Gomiuri. They have five ideas to save Japan.

That's one for each finger of each hand, unless you are a yakuza, but they are too busy dumping radioactive dirt in Precious National Treasures to lumber through the painful prose of the Godzilla of Ginza. No matter. Yours truly has taken his red pen out to mark up the latest missive from the Ministry of Truth, so you don't have to. Are you ready? Hold hands tight, off we go...

Our proposal calls for promoting cooperation between the ruling and opposition camps in carrying out reconstruction projects and policies, a task that requires the administration of Prime Minister Naoto Kan to be replaced with a new government capable of demonstrating initiative in overcoming the crisis.

Yawn. What? Oh, you want the bums who got thrown out on their backsides three years ago for being incompetent, corrupt shysters to get back in? Sheesh. Remember Aso? The guy before him? The guy before the guy before him? The guy before the guy before the guy before him? Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway, carry on Yom...

The public has been extremely frustrated by the Kan government's inability to swiftly respond to the ongoing crisis. In disaster-hit areas, a large number of people feel helpless as they remain unsure about how to rebuild their lives.

Thank goodness they could wait five months for the Yomiuri to tell them the solution...

Kan's desperate attempt to stay on as prime minister, despite his loss of leadership through his failure to unite his Cabinet and his ruling Democratic Party of Japan, has contributed to prolonged political paralysis, worsened by the thoughtlessness of his spur-of-the-moment ideas regarding the basic energy policy and other issues.

Yeah, his crazy ideas like, er, dismantling the remaining 54 nuclear timebombs sitting in LDP heartlands all around this fair earthquake-prone nation... wait... LDP heartlands? Maybe he should leave them...

Parties must join hands

(Must they? Maybe in private would be OK)

As it now appears certain that Kan will step down as early as this month, the nation's politics will finally enter a new phase. Huzzah! But we must keep in mind that a major factor behind the delayed rehabilitation from the disaster was Kan's feckless political style. Like Yomiuri editorials?

Due to significant delays in Diet deliberations, the government has yet to move on to preparations for the compilation of a third supplementary budget for this fiscal year, which is expected to finance full-fledged restoration and reconstruction projects.


Kan regarded bureaucrats as the enemy, although they are in fact precious national resources.

Dear God. I am going to be sick. Precious. National. Resources. You read it here first, folks. So let's get this straight shall we? That 87,000 people are still homeless FIVE MONTHS after the disaster is the fault of Kan and those pesky politicians who keep trying to do things to, you know, solve problems and get re-elected and not those unelected pen-pushing peons who turned a blind eye to the nuclear industry radioactive elephant in the room for 50 years with the Yomiuri's connivance as long as they still got their cushy jobs on the board.

Main pillars of Yomiuri proposal

**Make best use of bureaucrats and administrative organs

(I suggest Procol Harem)

**Use increased revenue for disaster-hit areas

Yeah, the Yomiuri always approves of tax rises.

**Create jobs through special economic zones

You mean like TEPCO's been doing for years?

**Ease people's anxiety with systematic decontamination

Well, perhaps your precious national resources will get off their precious national arses and stop selling radioactive food to folk, burning radioative waste and running nuclear power plants on faultlines. Ya think that might help decontaminate folk?

**Resume nuclear power generation under state responsibility

Right. The state that you say is run by a feckless idiot. Well that makes a lot of sense. Who came up with this? A bunch of pissed up journos and their mates?

These proposals were devised by specialist reporters in the newspaper's Editorial Bureau, the Editorial Board and the Yomiuri Research Institute after a series of examinations on their own and discussions with outside intellectuals and experts.

Right. Anything on the telly?


sigma1 said...

Desperately sad. And to think that is the collective wisdom of a major news organization in a major country.

j ariga said...

Oh dear. Precious national resources. I wanna die.

Andrew said...

Would you all happen to have a link to this fine piece of journalism in Japanese? Gracias!

Our Man in Abiko said...

Go fishing around here, I'm sure you can find it, Andrew.

Isabella said...

If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.


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