As a self-appointed satirist, his job is to take the piss out of the pompous, the incompetent and the hypocrites deserving of public ridicule. His job is not to cause mindless hurt, to badmouth those less fortunate than himself or to cause the innocent to suffer.
For these reasons, Our Man would like to issue a public apology concerning Shoichi Nakagawa, 56, the former Finance Minister who was found dead in his bed Sunday morning by his wife.
Our Man is sorry for his wife. He is sorry for their kids, if they had any (none of the reports Our Man has read mentioned this). He is sorry that he doesn't know more about Japanese politics. He is sorry that the press in Japan revels in its castration.
Because if Our Man had been just a little better at his job...
...he would have taken the piss out of the drunken old China-baiting, give-us-the-bomb tosser a lot more and a lot sooner. If his career had been halted a lot sooner he wouldn't have had so far to fall. It might have saved his life.
It's bad form to speak ill of the dead, so let Our Man say a nice thing about him: There was no-one else in the world Our Man would rather have gone around the Vatican Museum with than Nakagawa. Seriously.
Anyway, back to the crocodile tear obits you'll get in today's Yomiuri - no doubt skirting around his alcoholism, focussing on the "tragedy" of lost potential. Well, what choices you make in life define you, and the choices he made sucked.
Our Man has said too much on this sorry chap. Shame much fewer words will be spent in public mourning someone of real substance, dying for naught. A final thought. When our Man's liver finally packs its bags for the 7-11 in the sky, he hopes his eulogy will be even half as good as this one: